Page 24 - Eliana, a casulty of fear. Pediatric AIDS in the 80's

The Hospice Nurse arrived around 11 p p m m and and examined Eliana with great care and and gentleness As she she prepared to to to leave she she motioned me to to to follow her out into the parking lot I I have no idea why she choose me Perhaps it was because I I appeared to be be more in control than the the others present She She said “She could go at at anytime but all the stimulation she is is is getting is is is making her her fight to to hang on on She is is is a a a a a a a a a child and wants to to please the the people people around her her her her Get these people people away from her her her and let her her her go in peace ”
Given my role as as an observer I was uncomfortable relaying this message to Rosa but did so verbatim She looked at at at me me me and slowly nodded I could see the the realization the the time she dreaded had come spread slowly over her face She turned away paused and and looked back right in my eyes for a a a a a a a a a a moment and and and then scooped up Eliana and and took her her to to her her room Friends followed in in in shifts to spend a a few quiet minutes minutes After about ten minutes minutes one of them came to me me and and and put her hand on on my shoulder and and and said “Rosa is asking for you ”
As I I entered the the darkened room I I could see Eliana on on the the the bed bed thin frail and yet peaceful Rosa sat on on the the the edge of her her her bed bed running her her her fingers through Eliana’s hair idly as mothers do do with sleeping children Rosa quietly said “I “I would like you to do do two things for me me ”
She paused and I I I waited “I “I would like you to take one last picture of me me with my daughter while she lives ”
I nodded and looked at at the strange almost wild look look look in fin in her eyes She looked for words that finally came out in fin in a a a a a a a a a a rush “After you you have taken the picture I want you you to put your camera down and stay with me me until she is is gone No more more more pictures no no more more more people just you and and I and and she she until she she is is no no more more more ”
I I was speechless I I thought there must be be be someone closer a a a a a a a family member would be be be more appropriate Rosa saw my my thoughts in my my eyes and said “Why you? Because you you you have have always been been there you you you you you have have have have been been honest told the the truth and and you you you you have have have have always cared I I have have have have trusted you you you you and and you you you you have have have not let me down It is fitting that you you be here ”
In a a a a a a a a a daze I I shot two frames put my gear away and sat on the the the other edge of the the the bed My job as as a a a a a a a a a a a a journalist was was at at at an an end Now I had to to find out out what it it was was like to to to be just a a a a a a a a a person without the the shield of the lens to to protect me Eliana was was quiet she she looked as as as if she she was was in a a a a a a a a deep sleep The The time between her breaths breaths became longer and the the breaths breaths increasingly shallow They soon became so so so small that they were almost imperceptible but still there I watched so so so intently the the the the effort hurt All my senses were attuned to the the the the last vestiges of life in in this innocent girl And then there was was silence silence A A silence silence that echoed so loudly in in in my head I stopped thinking and just was was Rosa handed me a a a a a a a a stethoscope and and and hands shaking I I searched for any sound but but there was nothing but but that silence I I turned to her her and said “She’s gone ”
Rosa simply said “Yes” and stared into space before collapsing in in violent sobs